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Have you ever had friends come up to you questioning if their partner is really “into” them? My friends have told me stories lamenting that their partner doesn’t spring them any romantic surprises, isn’t creative when planning dates, or simply takes forever to respond to their messages. Do all these meana that your partner doesn’t like you enough? Not necessarily.
During times like these, it is important to remember that we are all different, and so is the way we display our affection. Just because our partner doesn’t give us love in the way we expect or desire does not mean they do not love us. In fact, we may receive love from them in numerous ways we don’t realise because we’re too busy harping on what we want instead of giving thanks for what we have.
As we have mentioned before, there are five different love languages, which will explain the various ways we express our love for one another. If you’re doubting your partner’s interest in you, it could be because your love languages are vastly different. This difference will affect your compatibility to some degree, but it does not have to hinder your relationship from moving forward.
What can be done to solve this is open and honest communication. Inform your partner of your own personal needs and desires and what they can do differently to make you feel the love you know they have for you. At the same time, allow them to express their own feelings and opinions on how much they can do for you, and what you can do to make them feel wanted as well. It is important that you both come to an understanding and compromise as much as you are comfortable with.
At the same time, we cannot expect them to change so completely to be the exact person we want them to be. We should accept our partner as they are and be thankful for the little things they do for us. Their way of presenting their affection for us may not be ideal to us now, but it is sincere and heartfelt. If we can fully appreciate our partner and their positive actions and words towards us – no matter how big or small – we may discover that they love us more than we were ever aware of. Our partner loves us in their own special way, and in our own special way, we love them too.
“I love you.”
Those three simple words can cause so much trouble when they’re said too soon, too late, too often, too little. Why are we so hung up on words? They don’t have to be said to be felt. We experience love every day, we’re just unaware of it. Next time you’re with your partner, open your mind and see how their kind intentions speak volumes of their love for you, and how your responses speak of yours.
They love you when they confide in you. There is a door in their heart that they keep locked up, for opening it makes them vulnerable, and being so makes them uncomfortable. And yet, they trust you enough to show you that side of them. They open the door to their souls and pour it all out to you. They let you into their world and tell you things nobody else knows because they want you to accept them for all they are. You love them when you listen, when you withhold all judgements and provide them the safe space for them to be completely themselves. In your following conversations, you bring up the small things they mentioned in passing because you actually listened, because you were focused on them, because you love them. They smile at you, because you paid attention, because you remembered. They love for you for that.
They love you when they make you a priority. “I’m busy with other things” isn’t a common phrase in their vocabulary, at least not when you’re the one asking them out. They make time for you because you’re important to them. Sometimes, they even go out of their way to reschedule other appointments because you’re worth the effort. You love them when you say, “It’s okay, we can do it some other time.” You love them when you don’t control their daily activities, and you allow them time with other people that are important to them and to do things they want to do. You trust them and their happiness is important to you. You value your personal freedom and you respect theirs. They love you when they see you are making yourself part of their world, but not the centre of it. You love them, and you know that at the end of the day – In one way or another – They’re coming home to you.
They love you when they hold on to you through hard times. They fight for you when you’re tired of fighting for yourself. They catch you when you fall and raise you up when you’re down. They make sure that no matter how long you struggle, that your daily needs are met – That you’re eating enough and that you’re sleeping enough. They help you out in any way they can because they want you to get better, and be your best self again. You love them when you hold on to the hand they extend to you, pull yourself together and push through this difficult period in your life. You love them when you’re at your strongest, when you’ve accomplished something meaningful, and they are the first ones you want to tell and celebrate with. You remember how they were always by your side at your worst and you want them to see you at your best. They are so proud of you because they know how many battles you’ve fought and how far you have come. They love your fighting spirit and they love you. You thank them for being there through thick and thin, for being patient, for being caring, for being loving. You promise to do the same for them. You love them when you keep to your word.
There are plenty of ways we express our love for one another that go beyond reciting words. Next time you’re second-guessing whether your partner loves you, think again, because they may love you so much more than you realise. They may not declare it, but they say it with their behaviour, with their gestures, with more than three words could ever convey.
Getting into a relationship is a big deal. This is going to be the one you’ll watch all the exciting new movies with, the one who will care for you when you’re unwell, and the one you’re bringing to family functions as your plus one. Are you ready, or are you questioning if you should take this leap? Perhaps these five questions could help you gain some insight on how you’re really feeling.
1. Am I myself when I’m around them?
We act differently around different people – We laugh the loudest with our friends, become super polite and well-behaved around their parents, and are the hardest workers in front of our bosses! But what side of you do you present to your potential partner? Are you comfortable with who you are when you’re around them? Do they bring out the best version of you? Do they give you positive energy or do they drain you?
2. Am I over my past relationship(s)?
Needless to say, if you’re holding hands with your date and imagining your ex’s fingers interlocking with yours, this probably isn’t the right time to say yes when they ask you to be girlfriend/boyfriend! This is unfair to them as they do not deserve to be a rebound, and it is also unfair to you, because you’re not giving yourself time to completely heal. This could be your significant other in the long-run, but for now, it’ll be best to approach a commitment when you’re no longer pining for someone from your past.
3. Am I romantically interested in them?
Do you like them or do you like the idea of them? Is it a romantic connection that you want with this person, or do you think you’re better off keeping things platonic? When you get along so well, the line can get a little blurry between being “great friends” and being “relationship material”. If they make you feel happier than anyone ever has, or you (think you will) feel sparks or hear fireworks when you two kiss, then go for it!
4. Am I proud to have them as my partner?
When we accept a person, we accept them for all that they are. We love them for and/or in spite of their flaws. Sure, there are things about them that we aren’t too happy with, but we want to be with them regardless. How would you feel introducing them to your family and friends, or bringing them to company dinners? If you have a long list of habits and personality traits you wish they would change, maybe it would be better to look for someone else who more appropriately fits your ideal of your special someone.
5. Am I a complete person all on my own?
You can’t be someone’s other half without being whole by yourself. The cliché rings true – You must love yourself first before you can love anyone another. Are you comfortable being alone? Could you possibly only be seeking company so you have someone/anyone? You are such an amazing individual and being with a lover should not make you less of such!
What were your answers? Are there other important questions we’ve missed out? We hope we’ve given you some clarity on whether to commit yourself to this special person now, or to wait until you’re finally ready. Whatever it may be, we here at Dating Moments are all rooting for you to live your happiest life! Good luck!
Your partner is good. They make you laugh, they hold you when you’re upset, and they will always put some time aside for just the two of you. They’re good. But what if there’s better? Are you “settling”?
The thing is, there will always be someone “better” than them. There will be someone funnier, someone better looking, someone smarter, someone richer. But there will always be someone better than you too. Just because there is someone “better” does not make your partner less of the loving person they are, and it does not make other people “better” people for you.
The best person for you will treat you with the love and respect you deserve. They will care for you when you’re unwell. They will do what they can to make you smile. They will bring you to movies they know you’d want to see and take you out to your favourite food place. They will know these things about you because they remember you bringing them up in conversation. They will notice the little things you do for them. They will appreciate you.
When you fight, they will not hit you where you hurt the most. They will not try to make you jealous, they will not destroy your trust. They will not deliberately try to upset you because they don’t ever want to see you sad. They will not want to build a wall between the two of you, but a home together with you.
The best person for you is the one that chooses to be with you through it all. They encourage you, they share their life with you, they love you. They may not be perfect, but they are yours as much as you are theirs.
Can you like someone for no reason? Possibly, but that’s probably not the case. Whether we’re aware of it or not, there are psychological reasons as to why we find someone outstandingly attractive. “The Reward Theory of Attraction” provides us with insight into some of these reasons.
This theory in a nutshell, is based on generosity, proximity, appearance, similar viewpoints and reciprocity. A little hard to understand? Don’t worry, we’ll break it down for you!
1. We like people that reward us by giving us something we value and expecting little in return.
For instance, if someone we like walks past us and gives us a smile and a slight nod of their head, we brighten up almost instantly. We have been “rewarded” with acknowledgement and all we have to do is smile in return. It’s positive reinforcement that we have done something right, and should continue onward.
2. We like people that reward us with convenience, by being geographically close to us.
We are aware that it will cost us less time, money and effort to like someone in our neighbourhood or workplace, compared to someone who lives halfway across the world. Sure, long distance relationships are very much possible, but as humans, we desire instant gratification. At the end of the day, it is much more likely we will get together with someone easily accessible to us compared to a foreign lover in a faraway land.
3. We like people that reward us with something to look at.
We know this sounds shallow, and looks are incredibly subjective, but that doesn’t deny the fact that they play a part in determining who we are attracted to. They may not be Chris Evans or George Clooney, but we may be drawn to the way they dress or their mannerisms because we presume that they possess other desirable traits that we may benefit from. It’s not just about how nice their face is, it’s about how they present themselves.
4. We like people who reward us with common attitudes and beliefs.
This can be done by sharing the same opinions on both serious and whimsical topics. We perceive that by having similar or complementary perspectives, that there is a bond and a mutual attraction. Even if they do have opinions that contrast ours, we will grow fonder of them if we are able to convince them to see from our point of view.
5. We like people who reward us with themselves.
We like to be liked so we like those that like us. Plain and simple. If someone likes us, we tend to have positive feelings about them (because clearly they have great tastes in people haha).
Therefore, the more we feel rewarded with these five aspects, the more we like someone. If we believe that the rewards of being together with this person outweigh the costs by a great margin, we better prepare ourselves… We’re on our way towards developing some serious feelings!
Nowadays, it’s not uncommon for people to have a hectic schedule squeezed to the brim with appointments. This is especially true in Singapore, one of the busiest countries in the world; We’re all occupied juggling work, friends and family, on top of our own wellbeing and interests. Ask the singles why they haven’t found somebody yet and they’d probably tell you, “Where got time?!”
Here’s the truth: No one is ever “too busy” for anything. There’s a saying that goes. “If it is important enough to you, you will find a way. If it is not, you will find an excuse.” True enough, you make time for what’s meaningful to you. If love’s a priority in your life, you would do your best to network and take time out to go on dates.
However, if you’re really one of those people with way too much on their hands, there’s something else you can do to make sure you tend to your love life too. Haven’t met anyone that sent your heart flying? Chat up someone new at places you have to be at anyway –the gym, your friend’s birthday barbeque, the office pantry etc…
No time to go out with them? Kill two birds with one stone by inviting them to tag along for something you were already planning to do! Maybe you wanted to go watch “Captain America: Civil War” or attend a Zumba class. Why not have company? Need to buy groceries? Do some shopping together. Or simply invite them for lunch (instead of spending your break glued to your computer watching a K-drama and wishing Song Joong-ki was trying to win your heart).
It’s not that hard to squeeze in a date if you take a quick glance at your schedule. Find time for love and love will find you.
As many of you would have know for now that a good communication is the main building block of a lasting relationship but did it occur to you that in the midst of communicating to our loved ones, we might be taking them for granted and might have unintentionally “speak” in an undesirable manner.
< For the benefits of all our dear readers, we have listed down some common communication pitfalls for your reading. If it sounds familiar to you, please do something about it !
We are not referring to constructive criticism/feedback, but rather an attack on the other party’s personality. Criticisms of this sort can really hurt the other person and damage the relationship if you are not careful.
Basically, diagnosing the other’s person’s personality defects is a poor attitude to have. Nobody likes to keep hearing how “unreasonable, overbearing, boring etc” they are!
In an argument, it is inevitable that all of us would jump into a ‘defensive’ mode’, sentence like “I did it only because you reacted that way!” or “It’s not my fault!” would come out. However, this shows to the other party that you have closed yourself up and are not willing to listen to anything else.
If we can take a step back and react less strongly, that makes the equation slightly simple ya?
When one party thinks he/she is more superior than the other (more intelligent / neater / more capable etc), this would have an impact on the communication. Partners who think they are superior tend to behave in a condescending way and they may even make decisions on behalf of the other person without consulting him/her. Because they feel they are much more superior, they believe that they can make better decision!
So anyone who acts like this, be careful! It’s likely your partner will be unable to stand it one day and simply leave you.
When one begins to withdraw themselves and ‘switch’out, this is a dangerous zone to be in! Such person may feel that by “switching out”, this would avoid confrontations from the partner and may seem very obliged to ‘placate’his/her partner. However as time goes by, the underlying conflicts may get even bigger and leads to irreconcilable differences, which may utimately leads to a break up.
To summarise, all relationships experience conflict but there are better ways of communicating and dealing with the situation. So when you find a partner, or are already in a relationship, remember these 4 pitfalls to avoid.
Good luck on your way to building a successful relationship!
Recently a lady girl friend of mine was sharing with me about this elaborate flash mob wedding proposal at Changi Airport. She was commenting that with this video going viral all over Singapore, the men in Singapore would be having a big ‘headache’ as this man had certainly set a high standard to the rest of the guys out there.
However when asked if she was envious of the lady who had such a elaborate wedding proposal, her immediate response to me was “NO”. She has been dating her boyfriend for many years, though she expects her partner to do a proper wedding proposal but not certainly in the style that catches so much attention. To her, she prefers a simple, low-profile wedding proposal so good news for the guys out there, not all women like elaborate proposals 🙂
That drills down to the fact that sometimes doing more does not mean it is better. And also other than lavishing expensive gifts or planning elaborate big plans, there are other ways to make your partner’s day as well.
Let me share with you 3 little tips now. Absolutely hassle-free and almost free! 😉
1. Compliment them
Yes, just a simple compliment will make their day! It does not require elaborate thought and it serves as a reminder why they are special to you in the first place. It could be the simplest of things, like telling them how good they look in that dress/shirt etc
2. Say ‘thank you’
Especially for married couples, where things start to fall into a routine, it may slip your mind to express your appreciation for the little things your partner does for you every day. Just a simple ‘thank you’ to let them know your gratitude will definitely brighten their day. Studies have shown that people with grateful partners feel more connected to each other and are more satisfied in their relationship.
3. Surprise them with a text at work
A text to cheer them on in the middle of a hectic day at the office would be a great way to lift your partner’s spirits. Let them know they are in your thoughts, or that you look forward to seeing them after work. It’s as simple as that, but it will bring the both of you much closer.
As the saying goes “Sometimes the smallest things bring the greatest joy”
As the celebrations for the Lunar New Year ends and its back to our usual daily routines and commitments, with the huge stresses & challenges ahead the year.. there is something that all of you can do to make your days better!
Well, I have been keeping a gratitude journal since the beginning of last year. I was inspired to do something different that would help me appreciate the little things in life more and it has so far proved quite beneficial!
All you need is a simple notebook, a pen and just 15 minutes of your time every day before bed! It is not at all time-consuming and really easy to do. Noting down things that you are thankful for each day before you sleep has also been proven by scientists to help people sleep better!
I know we all have some days where we feel like NOTHING goes right, and we feel really discouraged, thinking all is lost.. but trust me, there is something good that happens every day that you should be thankful for! For example, a nice home-cooked meal at the end of a long day, a refreshing shower to help you relax or even listening to your favourite songs as you slowly drifting off to sleep.
Keeping a gratitude journal will help you appreciate the little things in life and the people around you more. Psychologists have also confirmed that gratitude improves overall mental health by increasing happiness.
I hope this will inspire some of you to start a gratitude journal of your own, I guarantee that you will feel the difference it makes!
Let’s take a small step to make a BIG difference in our lives!
HAPPY NEW YEAR!! Wishing all of you a blessed 2015 filled with happiness, peace and of course LOVE!!
As it is a fresh year ahead, we are going to go back to basic and revisit on some of the dating concepts that we have mentioned earlier. Then you guys can try to apply and have a fruitful dating journey in 2015! 🙂
1. Dating is a Numbers Game
YES, you heard it before!! Dating is a Numbers Game! This is really a practical concept – the more people you meet, the more likely you would meet your special one earlier. Yes, go on out with anyone whom was introduced by your colleagues, friends, family, professional dating agency like us. Go to the meet up with an open mind and you never know what may come out of it. From our experience, those members who are much more open-minded are more likely to find someone special faster than those members who are not.
But do bear in mind that, though this concept is encouraged, do not go to an extent that you suffer from Dating Fatigue! Dating Fatigue occurs when one goes on dates so frequently that it gets so mentally and emotionally drained out! This is definitely not ideal. Though you want to expand your social circle, you need to exercise discretion what is the “RIGHT” number, so it can worked out in a way like for eg 1-2 date every month and focus on understanding them.
2. Love at first Sight
Some of us still believe in Love at first sight just like what is happening in fairy tale. But the truth and reality is, you can’t tell if your date is ‘THE ONE’ upon your first meeting! It is just too short a timespan to decide your lifetime happiness. And also can you imagine how easy dating would be if you could tell straight away?
Though all of us know that first impression is important but sometimes the first impression is not all to concluding whether the person is your special one. You need time to understand and know someone, their personality, lifestyle, outlook of life etc. It is only then, you would be able to tell if they are the right partner for you. So when you go on dates, do not be too quick to judge, don’t reject the possibility because you don’t think your date is your type. You never know! 😛
3. When you meet ‘THE ONE’, your relationship will be perfect
Thanks to Hollywood, some of us think our relationships would be smooth and perfect when we are with the right one. In today’s smartphone era, we seen too many pictures of lovey-dovey couples on social media and it gives us the perception that they have the perfect relationships and inspire us to have it as well.
However, every couple have their good and bad moments. Even though you may have find the one, you still need to work on and maintain the relationship. A great relationship is when the both of you are willing to communicate effectively, negotiate your problems and differences together. This is when the relationship can grow overtime and be everlasting.
4. Your partner will be your best friend
You see such quotes all the time, about a life partner being your lover and best friend. Well, I truly believe in this totally as I am a real-life walking example! I am thankful to have Edmund by my side throughout these years! He is indeed my strong pillar to rely on whenever I encounter any problems, my best friend whenever I have things to confide in and of course my beloved hubby to shower me with love 🙂
Though it is important to have someone who can communicate and relate to you since he/she will be with you for a lifetime, it is also important to maintain a strong group of external support like your long-time buddies and girlfriends at the same time! So do set aside time to catch up with them!
That comes to an end of my sharing. All the best to your dating journey in 2015!
Wish all of you success!!
With Love from Jen
Yep, holiday season is approaching as we are coming to the year end.. so in the midst of preparing all the gifts and celebrations, do not forget to “Maintain” yourself to lOOK and FEEL good!
Here are some simple tips that you can pick up to benefit you both physically and mentally:
1. Drink plenty of water
Yes, Bottoms Up!! It is amazing how this simple fluid can do so much good to our bodies! It is recommended that we drink at least 8 glasses of water a day. Drinking enough water actually keeps our body healthy and hydrated. It also improves our complexion! So make sure that you always have a filled glass of water placed on your work desk or bedside table and ensure you are drinking from time to time!
2. Get sufficient sleep at night
As simple as that, LIGHTS OFF early! 🙂
This is an age-old advice for everyone, especially in Singapore! A recent study found that Singapore was the third-most sleep deprived city, our average sleeping hours are 6.5 hours every night which is definitely not ideal! Experts recommend that a person gets 8 hours of sleep every night. This is very important as our bodies needs to rest and recuperate during the night time to get ready for the next day activities! And also, getting sufficient rest will also get rid of those unflattering dark eye circles you have been trying to cover up!
3. Get your body moving
As the magadascar theme song goes ” I Like to move it, move it, she likes to move it, move it….”
Exercising actually increases the amount of endorphins in your body, which makes you feel happier and less stressed out! No matter whether it is running, cycling or just brisk walking in the park, as long as you get yourself moving, it would be beneficial to you! After all, regular exercise would give you a healthy flush on your skin, making you look more radiant on dates. It also strengthens your immune system, which makes you healthy on the inside and outside!
Besides working out physically, it is good to train for your mind! In today’s context, we have multiple channels of entertainment and have many sources of distractions, so it would be good to set aside 20 – 30 minutes a day to meditate and listen to your own thoughts! It would also help to clear your head after a chaotic day at work. Well, one of the way you can do it is meditate after a rigorous workout and you would feel more refreshed after that! Just get comfortable, find somewhere quiet, and embrace the silence 🙂
5. Eat more fruits and vegetables
Watch your intake and increase your dosage of GREENS! After all, eating healthily is the best way to get a healthy body! Getting the right nutrients for your body would strengthen your immune system as well as benefit your skin! Experts recommend that it is ideal to have a variety of bright coloured fruits and vegetables to add to your daily diet.
6. Spend more time with friends and family
Last but not least, spend time with your loved ones! I have seen way too many people around me spend too much time in their jobs! Remember that your life does not just revolve around Work! Do keep a work-life balance and spend more time on building up fulfilling relationships with your family and your close friends! Having the love and support from your loved ones will make you feel less stressed and alone.
We hope these tips would help you be mentally & physically fit and be ready for the holiday seasons! Of course, do maintain these throughout the year so that you would FEEL and LIVE Better!
With Love from Ed & Jen
As you see the message sent by your friend, you vaguely recalled the conversation that you have with your friend a month ago. He has mentioned to you that he has an eligible person in mind to introduce to you and he can’t wait for both of you to meet up. As the meet up is drawing near, you can’t help but feel a little jittery and nervous. Afterall, you are not used to being set up for a Blind Date before and your friend will not be there with you.
Fret not, we have a few pointers on how to achieve a pleasant blind date and let yourself be prepared!
1. Keep an Open Mind
Since it is only your first meeting with the other person, try to keep an open mind. Though your friend may have told you how compatible both of you are and is looking forward to you guys being together, DO NOT let his perception influence you! Though they come with good intentions, but what ultimately makes it happen is between the chemistry and vibes that both of you have. It takes a lot of “concoction” for it to happen. Hence, go to the meet up with an open mind and do not give yourself too much pressure into making it work! Treat it as an opportunity to gain another friendship and have a relaxing weekend with your new friend!
2. Proper Grooming
Though he/she may be your friend’s colleague, do put in the effort in your grooming! It is still the first time the other person is meeting you and how you dress & present do affect the impression you give to others. Rule of thumb is to find out the setting of the meet up venue, whether it is a casual or formal set up and dress appropriately. On one hand, you don’t want to overdo it and overdressed and result in a mismatch with your date’s dressing. On the other hand, you also do not want to be underdressed when the meet up setting is a formal one.
So take some effort to do some ‘homework’ before meeting up! 🙂
3. Be a good conversationalist
Be prepared with some conversation starters especially if you are not good with small talk. Let yourself be equipped and prepare some conversation topics before the date. That way you won’t be tongue-tied during the actual date! You could break those awkward silences (or even prevent them totally!). You could ask about their last vacation, hobbies, or the last book they read!
4. Be a good listener
Most importantly, do not overwhelm your dates with all your information during the first meet up. Ensure that both of you are given the opportunities to share. And during the conversation, display appropriate body languages and verbal cues to show that you are listening to him/her. Show that you are genuinely interested in what they are saying and give them the time to speak. After all, you want to know them better so listen when they speak! And of course, make regular eye contact during the conversation to connect with your date.
5. Follow up with a subsequent date
Always be open with subsequent dates and do not be too quick to decide that you are not going out with him/her anymore. After all, it is just a short span of 1-2 hours of meet up and it is too soon to say you already know them thoroughly right? Do give each other the opportunity to understand each other better.
So there you are, all set for your blind date!
Most of the time, when we are in a relationship, especially in a long term one, we tend to get a little annoyed at certain behaviour/actions of our partner for example, he/she do not wash the cup after using, having late nights etc.. well being a human, it is perfectly normal that we would be emotionally affected when some of our partner’s pet peeves do not corresponds with our lifestyle, values or beliefs.
Hence inevitably, many of us feel that we should CHANGE our partner or expect our partner to CHANGE for us ! It may be you want them to do a little more contributions towards the household chores, exercise more, complain less, or sleep earlier etc.
There is nothing wrong with all these expectations, but how do you actually effect that change in your partner?
Finally it drills down to having a effective communication! Let your partner know that you want the BEST for them. Phrase your words carefully and try to “coax” them to adopt the change. Instead of saying “You should be sleeping earlier, late nights are bad for health”, you can say “I am worried about you having late nights all the time, you should try sleeping earlier”. Of course, give your partner time to effect the change and do not expect them to CHANGE overnight!
Last but not least, remember that if you expect your partner to CHANGE for you, you must be prepared to CHANGE for them too. For example for lifestyle changes, start the ball rolling by making efforts to eat healthier or get more workouts etc. After all, two is better than one! This would then motivate your partner and strengthen your relationship with one another since more quality time would be spent together.
By doing so, it then demonstrates your willingness to alter your behaviour and shows your commitment to your relationship. In fact, studies have shown that when a person is motivated to be in a relationship and wants it to work, he or she will readily change to be more like their partner! Most of the time they will not even notice themselves when they do so!
– JEN –
“Arguing can be a sign that your relationship is strong and passionate, and that you’re comfortable enough to express negative feelings without fear of losing each other in the process.”
~ Bonnie Eaker Weil ~
The above quote really said it All! I believe that sometimes when couples argue, doubts will be on their mind and some may start to wonder whether their relationship is healthy or not. The GOOD NEWS is EVERY COUPLE argue! This is inevitable as we are talking about two different individuals with differing views here…Yes, even though it is prevalent in every relationships, it is still definitely frustrating and distressing to have an argument with your partner! 🙁
Well, have you thought about this? Since it is unavoidable that arguments will happen, why not have a CONSTRUCTIVE argument in the first place? When we talk about a constructive argument here, the main objective is to get an agreement or a viable solution at the end of the day. Now it gets you wondering how to do that, right??
Fret not, we have come up with some tips on how to argue constructively:
1. Don’t fight to be right and listen actively
Your goal in an argument should be achieving compromises and a resolution, and definitely not to WIN the argument. Do not just focus on bringing your own point across, but also let your partner speak and listen to their viewpoints. Arguments are not about holding the winning viewpoint, it is more about listening and understanding each other’s viewpoints. You can always agree to disagree, of course in a CONSTRUCTIVE way! 😛
2. Remain respectful
Do not say things that you know you will regret in the heat of the moment. Remember that your goal is not to upset each other, but to resolve the issue. Respect your partner as well as yourself by keeping calm and refrain from using insults, sarcasm, name calling or even threatening to break up!
Do remember that once words are said, they cannot be taken back! Don’t underestimate the damage those words can do to your partner!
3. Take responsibility of your feelings
Starting a sentence with ‘I’ instead of ‘You’ allows you to take responsibility of your feelings instead of putting the blame on your partner. For example:
“I feel neglected and upset when you are out with your friends & not reply to my messages.”
“You make me feel neglected and upset when you are out with your friends & not reply to my messages.”
You can actually see the difference in the delivery of the same message accross. When you use ‘You’, your partner may feel being attacked and he/she will start to get defensive. So try your best to focus on how both of you can play a part in changing the situation for the better and share the responsibility of building up a effective communication together!
4. Stay focussed
Always stay focused on ONE issue at hand, and do not bring other issues into the argument.It is crucial that the topic on hand is resolved before moving on to the next issue. If necessary, when both of you gets drained out after some time, you guys can consider a short break before coming together again. But do not sweep the issues under the carpet and ‘think’ that it will resolve over time. Remember, when you do this, all the issues get built up over time and by then it would be even more challenging to resolve it!
5. Choose a Right timing
There is no other important factor other than choosing the RIGHT timing. Set a date and timing when both of you are already cooled down and ready to talk as well as listen at the same time. You may select a timing when both of you are alone and calm. It is best if the environment lets you feel safe and comfortable to communicate. This will also aid in achieving constructive conversation.
At the end of the day, other than using the above tips, it is also important that one should apologise and be brave to say ‘sorry’ to the other party when one is in the wrong. Most of the time when one of the party give way, the other party will also ‘soften’ and be much more open to listen & share his/her thoughts.
And this is the time when you guys can ‘connect’ and slowly build up to a more effective communication! 🙂
Last evening, I had a dinner gathering with my ex-school mates. This meet up was quite impromptu and I am glad that most of them managed to turn up amidst their busy schedule. I always enjoy catching up with this group of pals – it is one of my longest-standing and timeless friendships that I have and am thankful for! Even though we have not met for the longest time, we can just “connect” and pick up from the last when we stopped!
As my this group of friends are already happily settled down, majority of our conversation went around our marriage life, family life etc.
This girlfriend of mine was sharing with us that her hubby used to tell her off when she was always using her phone to chat her friends on their dates. When she said that, I can relate to her immediately!!
Well, I remembered that during my initial courtship period with Ed, I am someone who is quite ‘attached’ to my communication tool! On and off, I will pick up my phone and check for new message, chats etc. It became more of a unconscious habit than necessity that I have to respond immediately. (One thing for sure, I believe it is just not me and my girlfriend who is gulity of that – check out the below stats from Lookout)
Ed had actually observed this ‘habit’ of mine and he would subtly hint that maybe I should catch up with that friend soon as it seems that we have so much to chat about! Of course I did get the hint and would reluctantly put the phone down. I have since realized that I have neglected his presence and it’s definitely not a good feeling when your loved ones did not give you the deserved undivided attention!
Now that I make a conscious effort not to be so ‘attached’ to my phone anymore, I have also since learned a little trick that you guys can try out too. Perhaps this little change can make a difference in your relationship? The tip here is whenever you have a message or chat that requires prompt response, what you can do is to share with your loved ones what is going on, let your loved ones know who message you and why he/she message you etc.
Though you may feel that this little gesture seem quite insignificant, but it does make a difference in the relationship. It would actually let your loved ones feel more involved and at the same time, it would also justify why you can’t give him/her the undivided attention yet, right? 😉
On my end, I do feel that Ed is appreciative of my little gesture and it makes him feel good that I do care about his feelings. Most importantly, we have much more substantial and quality time together!
As the evening wore on, it’s time for us to call it a day. As we settled the bill, I realized that most of my friends are looking at their phones and I exclaimed:
“ Hey, you guys are so impolite!!”
… and all of us burst out laughing.
Have a great evening everyone! 🙂
This entry is dedicated to all the shy people out there. Hope this sharing would encourage you guys further.
Perhaps you guys can also try it and see if it makes a difference? 😉
Do not give up ya!
I remembered back in my university days, I had this course mate who was very shy and does not have much confidence of herself. She confided in me one day that she liked this guy from our cohort for more than a year already, but had never mustered the courage to talk to him.
One day, the guy came to our group (as he happened to know another of our friend) and had lunch with us. Though he did chat with my course mate that day, however my course mate was too nervous and did not open up to him readily. She gave him a one word reply whenever he asked her something and did not realise that she is giving him a misleading signal. ( Well from the way she communicates with him, it certainly doesn’t project that my course mate is keen to have any conversation with him.) I did try my best to be the in-between bridge to get both of them talking, however my course mate was just too shy to react positively.
A few months later, my course mate then revealed to me that she had actually gone out with the guy a few times since the very first meeting. I was rather surprised but happy at the same time for them. Turns out that my course mate subsquently took the initative to say HELLO whenever their path crossed. So after some time, the two of them began to exchange words with one another and gradually they are going out.
Her simple opening of Hello had slowly melted the ice between both of them and allows their relationship to grow. Though my course mate had initially gave him the wrong impression, she had finally opened up and take the first move to engage him again. It had indeed lead to something unexpected!
So to all you shy people out there, do make the first move and say ‘HELLO’ and you might be in for a pleasant surprise!